darkest nights and summertime...

One again, it took me too long to write again... anyway - the problem is getting started - and sometimes finding the relevance in the things in my life... those things that are suitable to be written down, neither to trivial nor too close to myself...

And sometimes, it's just finding the words and getting started because it's too painful to talk about some things just too freely and openly...

 

So much has happened. Somehow, it will never be as it has been before, but somehow, sometimes,there's not even a difference. Well, unawareness is the reason for that, I think...

 

A friend of mine commited suicide on the 13 th of July...

 

It was only on the 17 th that I got to know it - a friend of mine called me, told me what had happened... and despite knowing it was true, it had happened, I held on to the little hope that I just got it wrong... That it didin't really happen...

In the beginning, it was just numbness. I began to cry without even feeling why, without real mourning or pain. Unbelieving.

I couldn't put it in words when my boyfriend asked me what was the matter.... if I say it aloud, I know it has happened, I know, it is certain and unchangeable. If I speak of it, it becomes truth...

 

Mostly, I was feeling angry - and helpless. I mean, I had chatted with him two days before, he told me to trust him, not to worry, everything will just be fine. He had thought about it, he told me, but he'd come over if it beame worst.

Anytime!

Could be three o'clock in the night...

Well, no problem, but better bring some coffee with you! ;-)

 

Great! And then? There were so many people who would have done almost anything to help. Didn't matter, doesn't matter...

The weekend was hard. I mean, somehow it hadn't hit yet, as if my brain was frozen. Somehow, the worst thing was sitting around not knowing what to do. Suddenly panicking to do something that might be inappropriate for the situation... I just got the news I lost a friend of mine, I can't go playing computergames right now!... It's unfair....I can't go mad at him now, that's just...

 

Well... Being away from home, being with my boyfriend and his family made it easier... Crying whenever I felt like it - and he did a great job in building me up again and I am terribly greatful for that - became my little bubble of security... my little, perfect island on which nothing bad had evver happened and the pain and the anger was just far away... And then night came and darkness fell and I lay there and cried, feeling so numb inside... Sometimes your consciousness takes longer than your mind to understand things... 

And I couldn't bear a touch... I was so.. I don't know what is the right word for it... edgy, maybe? I couldn't bear being taken in the arms of someone else. I felt - unworthy, maybe? it just felt so wrong, as if I didn't deserve it after what had happened... 

 

So I spent my time destracting myself. Final Fantasy XII is an excellent thing to destract yourself - helps against everything, even against the cruelty of mankind and the unjustice of this world itself...

And somehow... driving home, calling a friend in the evening - the one who was closest to him of all my closer friends... I was so scared to go home, to leave my little island and have reality hit me in the face... We talked, and she said she'd just spend a lot of time with other people, going out... We went to swordfight-training together the next day, cinema, stuff liket that... but there was still too mucht time for me I wanted to use for university and thus spent alone... too much time of getting nothing done and thinking... I was so glad to leave for home a few days later...

Get some distance...

 

And now? I handle it as I handle those kinds of things: I just try not to think about it. There'll be a day I'll visit his grave, there 'll be a time when we have a little goodbye-party kind of thing among our friends... but now, I just don't think of it and it's kind of okay...

 

What I found astonishing was how all the words suddenly lost meaning to me - death, suicide, funeral, all those words seemed empty corpses without life inside of them, without a meaning.. still the numbness, the it-hasn't-really-happened-part of the brain...

I don't know...

 

I am not angry anymore - I just try to let it be, not knowing wether this is right or wrong... I know I miss him when I think about it... I know it will never be as it was, and there's a part missing in my life - and I don't know what I could have done against it... I mean, he told me to trust him and I did... doesn't feel nice, thought...

 

The good thing is, I don't have a lot time to think about it these days... I am working at the pharmacology of my university at the monent, six weeks of electrophysiology, cultured cells and getting over the trouble with the technics and the panic to damage something... It's a lot of fun! It keeps me busy all day, sometimes up until half past six in the evening... I am glad to have something to do - I can't bear leisure when nobody else is around, I don't even get myelf started in the morning...

 

Well, it's summertime now! I have had one and a half week at home with my boyfriend - which was really quite cool . visiting my old school, watching Wicked, raiding Nuremberg, bathing in the lake, a trip to the mountains - though I fel I didn't see as much of my friends as I would have liked... well, I admit I was a bit reluctant to organise things, so no complaining, just determination to handle it differently next time...

 

Busy all summer long... working, holiday, a few days of, home again, start of the next term...

 

I'm glad my boyfriend is coming along next weekend, to stay the week with me... I miss him, though I am too busy to actually be aware of that most of the time... But then, when the work is done, I just think of how wonderful it would be to come home to somebody... I am looking forward to friday when I'll go to his place again...

 

I don't know... I feel I should but I just don't find the right words to write about the two of us now...

Just that I have realised recently that my life is my own... It's up to me to make of it what I think best.. Something you know, of course, and I have known for a long while...

But I was always thinking about wehter or not to spend a year abroad after finishing my bachelor... and how well it might look on my curriculum vitae...

And then it hit me like a giant rock: My curriculum vitae doesn't matter that much! It's not what I am living for. And I am free to order my priority as I chose to - and what if I decide that my top priority is family? 

I mean, I am still young and I will go my way and make my decisions independently... As much as I wish it was, I am not foolish enough to believe that my relationship will surely last forever.

Don't get me wrong here, please don't: I can't imagine anything other than the two of staying together. And I really like tha thought of it, and there's nothing I can think of I wish more than the two of us sharing one flat and living together... But still, I won't plan my life with these things as certain, I'll go my way independently and make my own decisions... Taking him into account, but if I decide to leave for one year, I am leaving...

 

Whoaa.... I am trying to explain myself here... what a waste of words, actually.... grr..

 

I mean, it was just a deeper kind of understanding my own life - I needn't care too much what is commonly thought best of most sensible - I have to do what I think is right, and I have to take care that I don't regret my decision. But if I decide to set family as a top priority and to stay here and live with my boyfriend - why not?

 

But it is not easy... Thinking what will come after my first university degree... He wants to study for Masters in marburg, so it would be so easy to just stay here... Only that I am not sure I want to, and I don't want to make it that easy on my own... I don't wan to chose that way even though I am uncertain just because it seems easiest...

 But time and only time will tell, I guess... as so often...

 

Anyway, enough for today... time to go out and enjoy the sun! and to make my daily phonecall ;-) 

19.8.09 19:32

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Brandon / Website (19.8.09 22:30)
Wirklich schön wieder von dir zu lesen, ist wirklich eine ganze Weile her. Aber ich weiß ja wie das ist ... man schreibt irgendwie nur dann wenn einen wirklich irgendwie was beschäftigt, irgendwas das einem in einer gewissen Form nahe geht =)
Und es freut mich wirklich sehr für dich, hier lesen zu können, wie glücklich du privat und auch mit deinem beruflichen Werdegang eigentlich bist und ich drücke dir die Daumen, dass alles seine besten Wege gehen wird, nicht wie du es dir wünschst, weil wünschen kann und denke ich soll man sich diesbezüglich auch nicht zuuuu viel =)
Aber viel Erfolg und Freude auf deinem weiteren Werdegang im Leben auf welchem ich dich hoffentlich noch lange begleiten kann *g*

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