Trust

So many people I have known for a while – be it a shorter or a longer one – have become so much closer to me than ever before. I guess with many of my friends it is that I know them better now than I ever did before – with some it is that I know them better than most, I guess.

 

Closer. Inside into the soul and mind, shared emotions.

Not only with those friends I left behind when leaving home, drawing closer together as our physical distance enhanced... also with friends I have found here, in my misty city.

 

I haven’t known that before you...

 

It is a riddle to me. I cannot imagine managing my life without others, without sharing my thoughts and problems, without crying at someone else’s shoulder, lying my emotions bare to someone else’s feet... I cannot live alone, I am not strong enough to be proud, not proud enough to be strong, and not able to go through hard times on my own – I need others beside me, and be it only to listen, to share my thoughts and be affirmed that I am not alone, that someone walks beside me, even though I might be lost in darkness...

 

Being alone – even the idea drives me into despair and the feeling that I can’t do it, can’t bear it... Had I to stand all alone, bear my own problems all on my own – I couldn’t do.

 

I am trusting, I give away my weakness openly, honestly, sincerely. Not to everybody, but to those who mean a lot to me. I have always been.

 

I have experienced two reasons for people to stay alone in their pain...

Well, thinking of it, it is the same twice, in slight variances... Your friends are there for joyful hours, for party and talking and dancing, but once you are down, you are alone – don’t trust them so far as to reveal that much of your vulnerability to others, or don’t be a nuisance to them...

 

As soon as you are down, you are alone because you cannot burden others with your own problems – cast a shadow on their light, metaphorically....

 

But I don’t see it like that – not at all! I am there for my friends – and to be honest, to see someone suffer on his or her own, to know they try to get through this all alone, to known there is pain – that is agony! To see someone down and depressed and caught miserably in a black hole all on their own...

 

If I can but cast a little light into there, if I can help them but a little bit out of it – that’s all I want. As I said, it’s not about what I expect to receive, it’s about what I want to give. And to see someone else smile again after they’ve been down – that’s a wonderful feeling!

 

That’s what friends are there for – trust me and use me, what are friends there for?

I want to take over your tears... My little, altruistic, maybe masochistic way of living... But seeing others happy, smile again, see how the clouds are scattered and the sun begins to shine again, see how people develop and move on, just as I am moving on and getting better and better at living and understanding... That’s a wonderful thing!  

 

I am trusted with so many shared thoughts, I get so much trust in return for – well, I don’t know what for, to be honest. I am just trying to do what feels right, and I am sincere – well, look-through-able, actually, I guess... Just trying.

 

Seems I am doing something right there! *smile*

 

I just found it weird that things that were always so self-understanding for myself are utterly new and unfamiliar to some people around me...

 

But maybe once more I don’t see myself very clearly... I have experienced lately that often my senses concerning people’s emotions aren’t as numb and dumb as I have always thought them, that I saw things and sensed something and was right about people’s thoughts recently... Astonishingly, I have to admit.

I guess my sensors are a lot more sensitive than I always deemed them – only most times, I just overlook what they tell me because I am not paying attention to others and am occupied with myself too much...

 

Still learning. It’s just amazing to see how much others around me are learning and experiencing, too... I always thought them so much more stable and further advanced... Guess in some ways it’s true, but not so in others...

 

Anyway: I am glad to be trusted like that. It is something so valuable, something you need to earn and deserve, and being granted such insights is not a burden to me – it’s a privilege!

 

So: trust me and use me – what are friends there for after all!?!?!?!?

3.12.08 18:15

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Skythen / Website (5.12.08 12:09)
Dieses Vertrauen hast du in meinen Augen eben auch von mir aber nicht nur auch wirklich verdient durch deine stets offene Art und stete Hilfsbereitschaft.
Und du weißt, auch wenn ich nicht viel kann, das was mir möglich ist bin ich auch bereit zu nutzen um dir zu helfen wenn es benötigt wird!!

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