back to earth...

I am grounded once more. Back to earth, back to life, returned from lethargy and this nameless sadness that had crept over my heart.

 

I talked to a friend of mine, stating my opinion, hearing hers, feeling miserable afterwards, for about ten minutes, taking my time to let myself sink lower into the emotional darkness around me, lingering there for a while – and then the clouds cleared, though nothing has really changed. I seem to have accepted the whole confusion about the situation, I guess I have understood the exact positions we are in, and though it is not easy, I know I will deal with it – somehow.

The waves may drag me under from time to time – but it doesn’t hurt that much anymore. It feels good to know that my position was seen and has been aware of, that though my needs were not attended and seen to, they were acknowledged. I am back to normal.

 

Maybe I am just too unfamiliar with being happy, with situations like that. Afraid of life itself, inexperienced, somehow... and furious with myself for my own stupidity – I know I should be fine, I know everything is all right, and yet I see problems and let the currents of grief pull me down – grief and pain for things I don’t even understand...

 

Good I am back.

 

Better I went to practise today! Still weird to be around him, still somehow drawn towards him, still unable to keep the smile off my face or the special, more intense attention he gets from me blocked out...

 

But it is casual, I can be myself without interference from any emotional pang or rush around him, talk to him as I would to anyone else. Not quite the same, but still the best I think I could hope for. Grateful. Still absolutely grateful I met him – and even more grateful all this situation and my thoughts circling around him don’t throw me out of balance anymore, but much more rather settle me, sooth me and give me some kind of joy and strength I have never known before... It is good to be around him, even though the intensity and the need for emotions has gone...

 

And, best of all: I had an intense one-and-a-half-hours of practise, doing some of the basics in the beginning, and then..

 

WE HAVE GOT COMBAT SUITS!!!!!!  For the first time, we tried them today, and it was just....

 

Breathtaking! In any way you can think of – terribly funny, but exhausting – I came out of this thing wet and panting, it is freaking hot in there, and you can hardly move, they make you so clumsy – but they protect you, and so you can really put a lot more into your attacks... It is just fun, absolutely!

Hard to really do it, though. I know especially your head is so well protected that nothing can actually happen to you, or your partner – I know out of experience by now, I got hit on the head so often, always the same attack, always me furious and frustrated a bit about it, yet laughing about the KLONK-noise it made – and still I was not able to stab him right at the protective mask, closing my eyes in the moment of contact, messing the stab in the last moment, right at the point of contact, actually – which is a good thing, I guess – no, I am convinced! Even if I know my opponent is safe, I cannot hurt him – or her – consciously, completely aware of it. Which is something good, definitely!

 

Wow, something really cool! Fast one-on-one afterwards – I have so much to learn, my partner is so much better than I am – but I have decided not to whine about that anymore, or see my lack of experience as an excuse – I will work. And if I practice a bit more with him, I guess I will learn a lot – get a bit of ambition and try my best! It is so much fun, and even more to see where I can land myself one day, what I could reach...

 

I was completely adrenaline-endorphin- rushed afterwards, walking home with a friend who joined me, just as enthusiastic about the sport as I am! Chatting all the way home, all excited about the coolness and fun of it... We’ll practise a bit together, hopefully more often... I will see.

 

Then, at home finally, still al excited and completely washed over with enthusiasm and elation, I got myself under the shower, yanking the to icy cold – hot-cold shower, gasping for air, getting out into my bathrobe panting – it is such a cool thing to shower with really icy-cold water, elating once more, only you hardly ever get yourself to do so...

But wow, I will feel I have done some work today when I wake up tomorrow. Already, I can feel a strain in my back, not painful, but rather reassuring and comforting: I have done some work today, I have exercised at least more than average...

 

How wonderful I will be to crawl into my bed now and let sleep wash over me and carry all what’s left of the dirt in my soul away... Sleep, just sleep, and tomorrow will be fine, brighter than today – even though the feeling of delight after practise is hardly to be outplayed...

 

Wow... what a day. a grey morning, a darkening afternoon, breaking of the clouds towards the evening, red hot with the sun sinking into a golden night! It was just the best that could have happened to me tonight!

 

Strange how things so small and actually  usual can do something like this to you – turn your emotions from grey to gold in less than two hours!

 

A golden night. Awake, still physically exhausted, all that actually keeps me going being the rush of my endorphins... the best way to fall asleep, I guess – except maybe for having someone to share that perfect moment and feeling with... except maybe for not being alone... still....

 

 

Back to life once more. Back flying. Back enjoying myself – unbelievable that just this can be so hard at times... when it’s so easy to feel that good.... It is never easy to be happy – but it is worth it! More than just worth!

 

That is everything. That’s just everything! Somehow....

24.10.08 00:44

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Sabine (24.10.08 10:57)
great you're feeling happy again! In a way I can now understand your feelings, as being in a somehow similar situation... But I'm glad to see, that there is a way out to feel happy again.
Greetings!!!

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