breakdown

I don’t really know where it came from, I just know that these last few days, I have crashed somehow – I am literally freaking out and emotionally breaking down here, and I am not entirely sure why this is and how that happened or how good or bad that is. Maybe it’s just normal to come crashing down every once in a while after a major breakup...

Anyway, the thing is: I was getting there. I really had the feeling I was getting to this point where the pain of losing someone or a relationship is over and what remains are the wonderful memories and the friendship and trust we have for each other. I miss him, I do, and every now and then I start asking myself what’s wrong with me for messing things up so badly. I mean, I never wanted to be who I am, I never wanted to have the dreams I have, but now I also can’t give that up anymore, even if it means letting the most important person in my life walk straight out on me... But that’s how it is, that’s how it always was, and I will have to go after my dreams. And I so want to see his through and him getting what he wants and I couldn’t give... I was really getting there.

But the thing is: I am going to lose him. Not with a crash boom bang, not suddenly, but over time... We will move and on he will meet someone and settle down and have a family and I will be happy for him, for sure, but I think it also means that he’ll get to a point in his life where there’s just no room left for me anymore. There will be a time when there is no place for me anymore because that’s what was, and you can’t keep on clinging to the past if you want to move on. I’ll just get left behind, and that’s fine, that’s how things are.

I am such a fool. I mean, I really believed and wanted to believe that we will stay friends, that we will stay important to each other the way we are now, but being honest to myself... how on earth is that supposed to work? It was a dream, a beautiful illusion I put up, because I really believed it and maybe just to stay sane and be able to pull through with breaking up. I believed what we had was so big and special that it would prevail – but then I also believed our relationship was so strong that we could overcome anything, and go through everything, and it wasn’t.

I am just fooling myself, and now that I have become aware of that...  and that thought that I am going to lose him in the end, gradually, over time, probably without even realizing it is just freaking me out, I am so scared to think of having a life without him in it, somehow...

And I don’t know, I have a feeling or suspicion that there is someone else already, and I don’t know why, and even if, I shouldn’t be angry or anything about it, and I won’t, but the thought just terrifies me... There won’t be place left for me. I don’t know, maybe I am just imagining things because I have the feeling that I can’t reach him at the moment the way I could before, but then that’s probably normal, there is no reason for us to keep in constant touch, it’s different now we are not together anymore...  I can’t expect him to be there for me instantly all the time...

Damn it, what happened? I was doing so well and really getting the feeling that this place was not too far off, that “over it and best friends now”, but then maybe it was just an illusion after all.

I am going to lose him eventually. And that thought hurts almost as badly as breaking up did in first place. Starting all over again, emotionally. I mean, when the time comes I will be fine and it’s going to be okay, it just need even more time than I thought it would.

I would so love to see his dreams come true and him happy – but then, this means that at the same time I will just disappear from his life. I don’t think there’s a way for me to stay in it once he is moving on. If I picture him having a family, there is absolutely no room in that picture for me... isn’t it ironic?

It’ll be alright in the end... somehow. Just at the moment, the thought is freaking me out, I am so scared of that, but still... time will turn it right, I guess...

 

We cannot win against the sea and not prevails against the waves, but we can try not to go under... hang in there and keep on going!

8.7.13 11:24

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