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well, looks like I just re-broke up with my boyfriend... well, the man who used to be, my going to be best friend, again. Now I stand where I stood four weeks ago, everything’s fine, somehow.

I gave this a lot of thought after the last few times we talked, and I take it he really wants to grow roots where he is, home is a place for him. But it is a feeling for me, and as much as I wish home was by his side, I cannot guarantee I’ll be able to settle down in his place anytime soon.

I really ended up in the situation he was in, after all, only for a different reason: It is just important for him to grow roots somewhere as it is for me to keep some freedom. As much as I want a family and as much as I wanted us to work, this is a situation which leads to a compromise that makes us both unhappy. And I don’t want him to leave home if it feels like sacrificing something important to him, I don’t want to ask that. Just like he doesn’t want me to give up on my homesickness for places I have never seen. Maybe going abroad is not that important to me after all, but I will take the opportunities if they arise, if I can, after all.

So why make us both unhappy, dragging him to a place he doesn’t want to be while staying somewhere I don’t want to stay? If you cannot have both things, deal with it, accept it. That’s what I did, somehow, today. We talked it through, I told him to try and move on. Close that door for now, and if it fits later we can open it again, who knows. But not for now.  I really want to see his dreams come true.

Now is a good moment, and bad ones are going to come. I will always ask myself whether this was right, but desperately clinging to a maybe, forcing decisions I cannot make, keeping the uncertainty up, that doesn’t do either of us any good. On the contrary, I really had the feeling I was tearing down the tower of memories and trust and mutual appreciation we had by just holding on to the option. I came to the conclusion that as it is now there is no way for us to pull together, not apart, and although it is not the conclusion I would have liked and I desperately wished for us to find a way, this is how it is. Do not believe what you want but what is real, in a way.

And with that decision, I feel a lot better – I will try to get out of this hole of self-pity I have let myself fall into from time to time and move on, somehow. I want to reach the point at which we are friends with background, I really do. And I want his dreams to come true, and although it’s not going to be easy, I’ll really try to be happy and I’ll eventually manage to be happy for him when they do, even if I cannot be the woman who shares them with him.

Who knows what is going to happen? I just have to try and believe it is going to be good!  So I am basically back to the point where I’ve been four weeks ago, that we have and had something great that no one can ever take away from us again, and that we changed each other and because of each other for good, and that this is all I can ask from a relationship that brought us to the point to part ways. But now, I am over the doubts and the confusion, I am clear, somehow. For now, there’ll be days when this is different, but I won’t think of them now.

I’ll try to be grateful, more than anything. We’re still good with each other, no hard feelings, no hurt beyond the inevitable, we didn’t hurt each other, and that’s a good thing.

I talked it through with a friend today when I kind of had decided but wasn’t really sure about. Now I am again. And I am looking forward to the market and seeing my friends again, even if it means telling them we failed as a couple. It’ll be fine, somehow. She really set me back on track somehow, telling me to aim high *smile*.

Back to life. Now try to start moving, slowly, step by step. Looking forward to where this road will end again. I am not afraid of the future anymore, at least not at the moment. That’s a good feeling...

Whatever happens: There are no one-way-streets in life! There is not one decision that can ruin everything, there are always chances to make up for it! Just keep on believing!!!

24.4.13 23:30

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