let it go...

Seems like the tables turned again… We both took some time thinking, last week was fine because we spoke on the phone and somehow ended up with the conclusion that we both want to be together and it all comes down to my decision, whether I am willing to compromise about my future jobs and going abroad… And I thought I had already decided I wanted to place family higher than career and I was just waiting for that thought to stay until all that chaos has dissolved. I just didn’t want to decide anything out of that chaos, I didn’t want to choose this relationship out of the feeling that I can’t go without it.

Well, this time he said that he wants to stay close to his home. His friends, everything, that he has never experienced but being around them and doesn’t want to give it up. That he feels he needs his friends around, physically. I can understand that, although I think it’s just some stupid kind of uncertainty and that he has issues there... I mean he is scared of things that are not going to happen, it’s not like you lose everything you’ve got regarding friends when you move to some other city...

Well, we talked for a long time yesterday, basically because I wanted to ask him whether or not he would be willing to come with me if I found a job somewhere else – because as much as I want to put all my hopes into this, I believe it is utterly stupid to believe we can make it work if I have only about 100 km radius of where to search for jobs. It’s going to be difficult anyway, but within a certain area, it might turn out to be impossible, and then what? My best chances lie miles and miles away from his place...

And from everything he said – I mean he said he has to think it through and take time to decide, but still – it sounded like he was not willing to give it up. Telling me he was ready to give up everything to move to my place, how that would have been a sacrifice to him, just for me... I didn’t know he saw it like that, I didn’t realize he cared about it so much. But then, he didn’t go all the way through it, I mean, he didn’t move here to find a job, and that’s one of the points I think I know that basically he is decided already. And he has a job which seems to be pretty good and seems to offer some chances to really built up something there, he seems to be happy so far...

And along I come tearing up all those wounds again by asking how he thinks, how he feels about it... along I come and remind him of this situation we both can’t find a solution for. Why can’t I just leave the poor guy alone and let him deal with his live? I mean, I only see my own point even though I know it’s just as bad for him. Why can’t I just be happy about what we had and grateful for that and accept that this is as far as we go together and be happy about it? No, I have to be that stupid bitch to keep the matter up and keep of us from moving on. Because I don’t want to be alone, because I don’t want to ask myself whether it would have worked out, because I cannot imagine finding someone new, ever at the moment. For goodness sake, it’s probably normal! Because I just keep on thinking there must be a way, I so want to believe we can take on everything together. I said I accept his decision, well, looking at the situation now I think that was a lie – I don’t. Why can’t I just accept it and try to move on? It’ll be fine someday, somehow, it will be...

Damn it, all I want is to just see him and make it work out, somehow... Actually, I just want to see him, I don’t care if that’s going to hurt or make it even worse... I don’t want to be alone!

I don’t want to go through explaining that we separated to people. I don’t want to go through hearing how unfair it is of him to give me that choice, freedom or relationship, he cannot cope with in between. The hell, how is that unfair, it’s not like he is doing it on purpose, it’s not like he doesn’t care, it’s not that he feels way better about it than I do, so just shut up about him being unfair to me!

I am so scared of this weekend, hanging out with friends, camping on the mediaeval market we camped together three years ago... I was so looking forward to, and now the thought of going through this thing scares the shit out of me. We’ve been there together, it was wonderful and now he’s gone and I’ll do all the stuff together, with loads of friends who don’t even know what happened... I don’ know how I’ll get through this. I thought it was going to be great, maybe it will still.

 

Just let it go. Some wishes only hurt. After all, I think what is gaining on me so much is the choice, the possibility, knowing that it might be different and that I somehow have to make it work out... If I was to accept this is it I think I could somehow start to move on, somehow. I am just clinging to threads of hope here. I think I should just let it go... Leave him alone and let him sort is life out, and I’ll do the same after some while. I wish I could jump forward to the point everything’s okay again and we’re just good friends, for I am sure this is going to happen.

Why can’t I just let it go and be grateful for what I had? It’s more than you can ask for...

24.4.13 09:08

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