one step further

Okay, this is getting worse instead of better... it’s okay for hours as long as I am doing something, and at least I get some work done and I am able to kind of concentrate on my proposal stuff, but there is this one thought that always pops up in my mind: Fuck it, I don’t want to be alone!
I mean, we have spoken on the phone a few times, there shouldn’t be a huge opportunity for me to actually miss him, because not much has changed. But I do miss him., I mean, there was always this security that whatever happened, not physically but emotionally I had to only reach out and he’d be there and now there’s nothing… nothing at all, just one big black gaping hole where the pillar of my security used to be.

I hate to be alone, It’s driving me crazy, wondering whether this is where I’ll be going, wondering what I want to do. I mean, there’s two ways and both might be just fine or terribly, horribly wrong, how am I supposed to know? I cannot make a decision for my future self five years from now!
All I know is that I don’t want to be alone. I just realized I was going to a huge mediaeval market we used to go together alone, and the thought scared the shit out of me – I thought it was going to be great, now, imagining myself there alone, without him by my side, I dread it. I dread the feeling of memory and that this is not how it’s supposed to be.

I mean, probably this is the worst time of all to make a decision for me, because I’d do anything just to make the two of us work again. That’s the both hardest and most wonderful thing about our breakup: Nothing went wrong between the two of us, everything’s still okay. But then, I don’t have the knowledge that it wouldn’t have worked anyway. I will always think: It might have worked between the two of us, if only I had known what I wanted. It could just work, it could still just work. I mean, I am glad we did not have a fight and nothing got broken beyond repair, but how am I ever going to know whether this is the only possible solution or the biggest mistake in my entire life?

I can’t sleep anymore, I switch of the computer and start crying… I thought this was going to get better, but so far, it hasn’t it has been worse the more I think about it. Last night, I came to the conclusion that I don’t care what I do for a job as long as I can work with animals… What if that is really my only prerequisite? I mean, I love biology, I even love the reading and writing and all the tiresome stuff, but so what, who says I can’t find a compromise? I don’t need a fancy career to find something to fit my qualifications, do I? I don’t mind doing jobs that are not so sophisticated, as long as I have four legged companions around, somehow. I worked at an animal shelter for three weeks and loved it after school, I didn’t mind doing all the dishes or cleaning the enclosures, not even being barked at by those stupid Chihuahuas for hours doing all the unpleasant things school-internship guys usually get to do. Seriously, I said that back then and I still think it is true, if my grades at school had not been that well I would have become an animal caretaker and I would have been happy with it. Everyone thinks I work hard to achieve something in life, but that’s not true – I work hard because I understand that this is the way to do things, do it the best you can or let it be, no in-betweens. I am not pursuing this way because I want to climb to the top, I am here because this is the way life turned out for me, because this is the way that appeared at my feet and I decided to follow it for the road itself, not for where it leads! I don’t give a damn about the metaphorical mountain peak in the distance, I just want to follow the path I am on for a while longer because I love it, but not because of where it will lead me – maybe there’s another crossing at the end of it that leads down into some beautiful valley where I finally think I can settle down… where it is nicer and more comfortable than on the road that leads higher to the peak. Where I can find some kind of happiness, something different.

I could just have become an animal caretaker and I could have been happy with that. Isn’t that enough for me to know where my road should lead to? Was that memory, that epiphany, my decision already? Was that all I took to realize that if seeing the world and travelling and doing all those fancy things means I need to give up on love, I don’t want those anymore? I mean, if it was for only myself, give me an opportunity and I am gone for one or two or three years, doing something crazy… But it gets to a point when it’s not about me anymore. I don’t think this is all about me, even if it’s me who must make my mind up and get my head straight on my own with no one who can help me there… It gets to a point where it is also about my partner and my family – my maybe future unborn kids, if I decide I want to have kids after all…

You can just postpone everything to later, but at some point, later too is over… at some point, all your dreams have been too long ago. So what is mine, truly? Maybe it was decided yesterday evening already, while I was lying awake in bed, trying desperately to push these thoughts aside and get some sleep… if these thoughts stay for the next few days or weeks, does it mean that’s it? Maybe… Hopefully… 

 

9.4.2013

24.4.13 09:06

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