going round in circles

Well, that happens when I get time to think… Take the opportunity and go out while the sun shines, right, go for a walk with no one around and nothing to distract you, what kind of plan is that? Not a good one for me, anyway.

What really threw me off today was telling a friend that we split up and her replying that she thought we could take on anything together. Anything and everything. Didn’t I believe that, too? What happen to this determination, to our conviction? Is understanding you can’t have everything in life also admitting that we cannot take on everything together? I don’t know.

And then there’s this new thought – what if I didn’t get my priorities right in first place? I have only seen my job and career perspective until yesterday or today, but I suddenly started thinking that that’s not everything in life. It is important and it will always be an important part of my life, but is it really number one priority?

I really start thinking what I want and I am not sure, I don’t know at all. I mean, the thing is, it’s not about what I want now but what I want for myself in five or ten or fifteen years... What if I find myself in fifteen years with a brilliant career but all alone and regret that then? What if I end up like that, thinking “I could have had kids” like all the time? I really can’t tell what is going to be more important for me in a few years time, and everyone keeps on telling me I need to pursue my career and built up something on the foundations I laid, pursue my dreams...

But then, there is, no, there was, not a single version of my life I imagined without him by my side, not a single one! I was so sure it was going to work. And I so wanted to have kids with that guy, even though the thought also scares me like hell. And I think of the little kids of friends and I get to think I want that to – has this become another dream, another pillar of my future life? I think it has, but then when dreams collide, how do you decide? I mean, I knew it was going to be difficult to raise a child being a biologist, but I also thought it was going to work out, somehow...

What if I find myself in ten years regretting not having had kids? I cannot look into the future, I cannot see either way, and I keep thinking it through and through and I don’t know. I really don’t know what would be worse in ten years, or twenty, I am just beginning to think that maybe I am just making the biggest mistake in my life just letting him walk away like that. I know how he means it and I don’t want to make it any harder for him by clinging, but then maybe I should fight, somehow... And then I think about all the little habits he has that annoy me and I wonder if they’d have summed up and become a big pile of problems between us eventually – but I mean, if it comes crashing down, at least I know that there is no possible future for the two of us. I am glad this hasn’t happened, of course, but in some way it would be easier.

Now I ponder two possible futures, the one with me being successful and the one with me having a family – I mean, maybe they don’t exclude each other anyway, but if they do. Damn it, what should I do? What do you do when dreams collide? I’m just horribly scared that I am about to take a way that means facing a point of no return... If this is the decision, do I really want to choose a career over kids? What the hell... what if this is not the sensible and grown up solution it seems but the worst mistake I have ever made?
Of course people tell you “you’ll find someone else”, and of course I tell them “I don’t want anyone else, ever again” at the moment, but I cannot look into the future...I mean, also trying to make it undone and try it over again might be the worst mistake I could possibly make now, but you never know that... I don’t know what is going to happen, I don’t know what I will want in a few years... one out of two ways which both are wrong, but which one is going to be worse? Which loss, or potential loss, will be easier to take?

If you can’t keep both, do you cut of your hand or your foot? Bad example, that decision would be a lot easier, at least for me...

God, what is going on, what’s wrong with me, dam it? I mean, I went so far in my mind as to think how much easier everything would be if I was pregnant accidently. I mean, for my studies it would be devastating, but then the decision would have been made, and we would somehow have to deal with it and get along, and it wouldn’t be our decision – our decision. I wouldn’t have to worry about what ifs because the road would be clear. Mine is completely lost in the haze... Of course, I know that it would be about the worst motivation for a child and not the situation and condition in which I would want my child to be born into – I wouldn’t want to blame the course on my future on him or her for the rest of my life if anything went wrong. That’s just some fancy I get when I get desperate and try to find a way out of this crooked situation – but I guess there is none.

Screw it, I should have called him this afternoon and talked to him about that stuff. I mean, on the one hand, I don’t want to bother him and make it worse for him, but then on the other hand maybe he could have come up with something useful. I mean, maybe he knows me better than I do myself, wouldn’t even be difficult at the moment. Maybe he’d been able to build me up again, he’s brilliant at that...

But he’s going out with friends tonight, so I’ll need to hang on until at least tomorrow afternoon. I could have called someone else, of course, but then it’s Saturday evening. I guess my guys have better things to do than listen to me cry on the phone, at least on Saturday evenings... No need to bother, most people would probably ask me if I lost my mind anyway. I didn’t manage to bring up my issues with my family, at least. I think my mum would seriously consider taking me to a mental home if I told her I wanted to place reproduction before resource acquisition... but then she’s pretty straight forward when it comes to work life, and as dear as my family is to me, I don’t think anyone of them understands my dilemma and the issues I have with the situation. I mean it’s not like any of their concepts for their future ever came crashing down at their feet, as far as I can tell...

Okay, going in circles, stuck in “what ifs” and black and white worse case scenarios, it’s not going to help me, not a bit. I think it through and through and I can’t find any answers. I think I haven’t been scared of the future like that since High School when I became aware that my childhood and lifelong dream was very fine, but I wasn’t the right person for it. It’s kind of the same thing now: My dreams are okay, so was my relationship. It’s just I don’t seem to fit in as nicely as I should. I seriously get to think it’s something wrong with me, that I just fail completely at being the person I should be to make things work, to unite all different aspects of what I think is my dream of the future... I’m just not that girl...

I don’t know. All I know is that today started okay and got worse as the day progressed, and that I need to keep my mind occupied somehow, otherwise I start thinking and that’s probably pretty unhealthy – I mean, you read what it led to this afternoon, any more need of evidence?

Oh, well, maybe I’ll just start watching a new TV show or keep on playing until I just fall asleep on the keys... anything as long as I don’t have time to think...

 

6.4.2013, 11.30 p.m.

6.4.13 23:35

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