what now?

It’s been more than a week since my boyfriend and I broke up, and no what? I still think it’s the best thing for both of us in general, I guess I am beginning to understand what it means. We have spoken on the phone  twice and funnily enough, I felt way better afterwards than before – maybe that shouldn’t be the case, I don’t know. I should really try to get some distance, to really understand that we are separated now, that it needs to feel different. At the moment, I don’t feel different from before at all, except for that I sometimes start crying for no particular reason.

Okay, I cried for three days strait with no particular reason, always telling myself that actually everything was fine, than we spoke on the phone, and it’s been getting better ever since. I mean, there are good days and bad ones, yesterday was a good one, today’s kind of mixed, I just can’t bring myself up to concentrate on my proposal and really work, I don’t know. Sneaking into the toilet to cry for five minutes and then coming out joking and laughing with my colleagues, it’s weird. There are moments when I see all the opportunities I have now, I can go to a foreign country for postdoc later whenever I like, England or Sweden or New Zealand, I can – and should definitely – have my hair cut short, I don’t have to worry about meeting with any guys EVER! I mean, there’s more negative sides to being alone than positive, but I try to see the bright sides and ignore the rest and let the thoughts of the times when everything will be fine carry me through the days, somehow – if you hold on to a chorus it will get you through the night!

And then there are these moments when all I want is to just throw everything away and give up all my chances just to be with him again, somehow, just to be able to stay together, and then I remember he wouldn’t let me do this and I am grateful on one hand because I know I’d probably terribly regret it and devastated, desperate on the other. I don’t know what to do. I have no idea what to do, I don’t think there’s anything, and this feeling of helplessness, that  whatever you don’t won’t be enough to make us work again is horrible…. There are dreams that cannot be and there are storm we cannot weather. I dreamed a dream, yeah, right… I dreamed that love would never die, but I woke up finding that I can’t have both things in life, so what?
I don’t know. I guess I still don’t know what it really means and how to move on from here. Emotionally I am even kind of okay most of the time, although I wonder why that is and if I should not feel way worse than I do – well, maybe I have just getting good at distracting myself, he said he thinks a lot, I hardly do, I try not to because it’s not too healthy for me I guess – but physically I really feel that I am working on it, I feel sick almost all the time – although eating works again, which is good – dizzy, tired. I have episodes when I get the impression I can’t breathe… okay, that’s not precisely, it, I get the feeling that even though I am breathing fine I am out of air, like it didn’t reach my lungs but got lost somewhere on the way…

Most pressing, although it sounds ridiculous, is that I need to come up with a word for him. Whatever I call him now speaking about him, I can’t say ex-boyfriend, the word itself hurts to much, and honestly, he is something different from that, more… he is my past boyfriend and my future best friend and still probably the most important person in my life, although it’s probably not very healthy to think that way. But I also decided to keep on wearing the ring we bought together until I am ready to let it go. I thought I had lost it on the ride home and the thought drove me crazy, I felt it around my finger even if I was not wearing it as if a part of me was actually missing, a constant reminder of what lies broken t my feet. So rather keep it on until I can really let it go, I guess it’s okay for that to take a while.

Gosh, what do I do? Go on, start to work hard again, hopefully soon, focus on the good things in life and try to do what is good for me I guess. Just started, having a friend order tickets for a Meat Loaf concert in May! Hell yeah, for the good of one HELL OF A NIGHT! So we get to go to a show together after all, even though we didn’t plan it, as we both discovered that it’s the final goodbye tour and therefore our last chance… Hold on to those things and the prospect of the future, it’s going to be fine.

Don’t think about the way things might have been – this is here, this is now, shine when it’s hardest, go on, somehow, there’s a lot of good going to come from it! Hold on to that thoughts, we’ll make it. I will, and he will too, for sure. Somehow, both of us are going to be fine. It’s okay if it takes a little until then. Anyway, it’s gets better day by day, so…

 

Addendum: I guess I found the right way to put it: his ideas of the future just don’t fit with my reality – I cannot live up to the expectations, in a way…

 

And now I am circling around the thought what is really important in life and what I will think looking back in ten or twenty years from now. I mean, I can’t tell, I really can’t, all I know is that if I got hit by a truck today or tomorrow I’d regret not having been with him until the end for the rest of my life – if I had one or two or even ten days left and knew it, I’d give away everything and spend the time with him, no question… but then if someone told me I have two years or something of that sort, I’d never tell him, leave it the way it is, think “fuck you” and try to pull through with my PhD thesis – I’d definitely want to finish that… but then, afterwards? I don’t know, it’s futile to think about it because it’s not like I am going to change anything or know what I will feel or regret when the time comes… I just wonder whether or not I got my priorities right here…

 

5.4.2013, ~ 1 p.m.

6.4.13 23:33

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