Not that girl…

So that’s it – since yesterday, I am a single again… How do I start… It’s not that there was any problem with the relationship as it was, just that we realised that we want different things in life, even though not in a relationship. He has roots, he wants to settle down, make one place home and stay, and I want the same, but not yet! I want to see the world, go away and return to home again, work in the field, observe monkeys all over the world... I mean, I thought I was ready to give that up and change my plans, do something else, but he does not want me to give up my dreams... And if I try to see things from a distance and to be completely honest to myself, I think I would have come to a point when I would not have been able to forgo going abroad, just like I went to Morocco even though he didn’t agree because I had the feeling I needed to do this for myself.

The thing is, we might have come to a point where I needed to either leave the country for a while or give up on behavioural biology, and that is a thought that honestly pains me, almost as much as giving up our relationship. I just couldn’t promise that I would be able to stay at his side, physically, all the time, and it turned out while I did not have the courage to see things from a distance and take steps even though they were not apparently currently necessary, he did. And if I am completely honest, I know that this is the more sensible (not necessarily better, but grown up choice) choice, a choice I could never have made. I told him that if that’s how he is going to decide it will be fine and I’ll accept it, and I do. To be honest, I somehow knew it would happen, or had some kind of premonition... He has roots and I have wings, after all, and again I wish I was that girl to make him happy, and again it turns out I am not, I just can’t be...

But I know it’s just as hard, maybe even harder, for him as it is for me. I feel really sorry, I just wanted to make him happy and now we end up hurting each other. Well, technically we do not hurt each other, we hurt because of each other, and that’s just going to need time. After all, everything was always fair and honest between us, and though it’s not easy he did it in the way that hurt the east, he tried to do the best in the situation, and I appreciate that and I am grateful for it. And actually, as I had told him before, there is so much respect and appreciation between us that we are going to get around somehow, that our relationship, not as a couple, but as friends, is going to survive this, somehow, although it will take a good deal of time.

I am sure I will be very grateful for what he did yesterday in three or five or ten years time, and I just hope he is going to get around.  Funnily enough, I think because we both agreed on it, and crazy as it sounds, I am not the least angry with him or hurt by his actions, I think it is the least bad brake up I ever had. I mean, I know that it’s okay and we are going to be fine again, and I am totally convinced that after a while we will be really good friends somehow, I am grateful for the four wonderful years we had and all the strength and confidence he gave me, and no one is ever going to change that, nor that he made me a better person, in a way.

But then why when I believe everything will be fine and it’s all actually okay somehow is it that I can’t stop crying? It doesn’t even hurt at the moment, it’s just that I can’t estimate the consequences at all, it’s not that I completely understood what that actually means. I am alone again. No one to take me in the arms and hug me anymore, I am alone again... It needs some time to sink in, but even though it doesn’t really hurt or feel like anything at the moment, I can’t stop crying. It’s okay for some time and then it all comes crashing down again, and I can’t control my tears and I just fall apart and hate myself for it – it’s not like it’s going to help me somehow to just cry my eyes out, it’s not going to change anything, and the dice has fallen, this is it. It will be fine eventually, in time, but at the moment I cannot change my feeling and I can‘t stop loving him and I will miss him terribly...

Anyway, that’s how it is, that’s what happened, and I am not the least angry with him, he has done nothing wrong and has found the courage and strength I couldn’t muster, to make the sensible, probably right decision. We will get along in time, somehow, so anyone reading this, don’t be angry with him, please! He did it the best way he could, and there’s just no way to end a relationship without pain and tears, I think.

It’s just one of the hardest lessons you have to learn in life, that just because you love someone, and you fit together and you work hard and everything is actually perfect doesn’t mean it’s going to work out in the end. And I knew that love was not enough and the circumstances needed to be right too, but I never really believed that this would come back to hit me again. I am grateful for the wonderful time we had and the respect and appreciation we still have for each other, and I sincerely hope that he is going to be fine – that he will find that girl in time, the one to fulfil the dreams I couldn’t...

So that’s what it comes down to – I am not that girl, again...

28.3.13 08:39

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