breakdown

I don’t really know where it came from, I just know that these last few days, I have crashed somehow – I am literally freaking out and emotionally breaking down here, and I am not entirely sure why this is and how that happened or how good or bad that is. Maybe it’s just normal to come crashing down every once in a while after a major breakup...

Anyway, the thing is: I was getting there. I really had the feeling I was getting to this point where the pain of losing someone or a relationship is over and what remains are the wonderful memories and the friendship and trust we have for each other. I miss him, I do, and every now and then I start asking myself what’s wrong with me for messing things up so badly. I mean, I never wanted to be who I am, I never wanted to have the dreams I have, but now I also can’t give that up anymore, even if it means letting the most important person in my life walk straight out on me... But that’s how it is, that’s how it always was, and I will have to go after my dreams. And I so want to see his through and him getting what he wants and I couldn’t give... I was really getting there.

But the thing is: I am going to lose him. Not with a crash boom bang, not suddenly, but over time... We will move and on he will meet someone and settle down and have a family and I will be happy for him, for sure, but I think it also means that he’ll get to a point in his life where there’s just no room left for me anymore. There will be a time when there is no place for me anymore because that’s what was, and you can’t keep on clinging to the past if you want to move on. I’ll just get left behind, and that’s fine, that’s how things are.

I am such a fool. I mean, I really believed and wanted to believe that we will stay friends, that we will stay important to each other the way we are now, but being honest to myself... how on earth is that supposed to work? It was a dream, a beautiful illusion I put up, because I really believed it and maybe just to stay sane and be able to pull through with breaking up. I believed what we had was so big and special that it would prevail – but then I also believed our relationship was so strong that we could overcome anything, and go through everything, and it wasn’t.

I am just fooling myself, and now that I have become aware of that...  and that thought that I am going to lose him in the end, gradually, over time, probably without even realizing it is just freaking me out, I am so scared to think of having a life without him in it, somehow...

And I don’t know, I have a feeling or suspicion that there is someone else already, and I don’t know why, and even if, I shouldn’t be angry or anything about it, and I won’t, but the thought just terrifies me... There won’t be place left for me. I don’t know, maybe I am just imagining things because I have the feeling that I can’t reach him at the moment the way I could before, but then that’s probably normal, there is no reason for us to keep in constant touch, it’s different now we are not together anymore...  I can’t expect him to be there for me instantly all the time...

Damn it, what happened? I was doing so well and really getting the feeling that this place was not too far off, that “over it and best friends now”, but then maybe it was just an illusion after all.

I am going to lose him eventually. And that thought hurts almost as badly as breaking up did in first place. Starting all over again, emotionally. I mean, when the time comes I will be fine and it’s going to be okay, it just need even more time than I thought it would.

I would so love to see his dreams come true and him happy – but then, this means that at the same time I will just disappear from his life. I don’t think there’s a way for me to stay in it once he is moving on. If I picture him having a family, there is absolutely no room in that picture for me... isn’t it ironic?

It’ll be alright in the end... somehow. Just at the moment, the thought is freaking me out, I am so scared of that, but still... time will turn it right, I guess...

 

We cannot win against the sea and not prevails against the waves, but we can try not to go under... hang in there and keep on going!

8.7.13 11:24, kommentieren

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closed

well, looks like I just re-broke up with my boyfriend... well, the man who used to be, my going to be best friend, again. Now I stand where I stood four weeks ago, everything’s fine, somehow.

I gave this a lot of thought after the last few times we talked, and I take it he really wants to grow roots where he is, home is a place for him. But it is a feeling for me, and as much as I wish home was by his side, I cannot guarantee I’ll be able to settle down in his place anytime soon.

I really ended up in the situation he was in, after all, only for a different reason: It is just important for him to grow roots somewhere as it is for me to keep some freedom. As much as I want a family and as much as I wanted us to work, this is a situation which leads to a compromise that makes us both unhappy. And I don’t want him to leave home if it feels like sacrificing something important to him, I don’t want to ask that. Just like he doesn’t want me to give up on my homesickness for places I have never seen. Maybe going abroad is not that important to me after all, but I will take the opportunities if they arise, if I can, after all.

So why make us both unhappy, dragging him to a place he doesn’t want to be while staying somewhere I don’t want to stay? If you cannot have both things, deal with it, accept it. That’s what I did, somehow, today. We talked it through, I told him to try and move on. Close that door for now, and if it fits later we can open it again, who knows. But not for now.  I really want to see his dreams come true.

Now is a good moment, and bad ones are going to come. I will always ask myself whether this was right, but desperately clinging to a maybe, forcing decisions I cannot make, keeping the uncertainty up, that doesn’t do either of us any good. On the contrary, I really had the feeling I was tearing down the tower of memories and trust and mutual appreciation we had by just holding on to the option. I came to the conclusion that as it is now there is no way for us to pull together, not apart, and although it is not the conclusion I would have liked and I desperately wished for us to find a way, this is how it is. Do not believe what you want but what is real, in a way.

And with that decision, I feel a lot better – I will try to get out of this hole of self-pity I have let myself fall into from time to time and move on, somehow. I want to reach the point at which we are friends with background, I really do. And I want his dreams to come true, and although it’s not going to be easy, I’ll really try to be happy and I’ll eventually manage to be happy for him when they do, even if I cannot be the woman who shares them with him.

Who knows what is going to happen? I just have to try and believe it is going to be good!  So I am basically back to the point where I’ve been four weeks ago, that we have and had something great that no one can ever take away from us again, and that we changed each other and because of each other for good, and that this is all I can ask from a relationship that brought us to the point to part ways. But now, I am over the doubts and the confusion, I am clear, somehow. For now, there’ll be days when this is different, but I won’t think of them now.

I’ll try to be grateful, more than anything. We’re still good with each other, no hard feelings, no hurt beyond the inevitable, we didn’t hurt each other, and that’s a good thing.

I talked it through with a friend today when I kind of had decided but wasn’t really sure about. Now I am again. And I am looking forward to the market and seeing my friends again, even if it means telling them we failed as a couple. It’ll be fine, somehow. She really set me back on track somehow, telling me to aim high *smile*.

Back to life. Now try to start moving, slowly, step by step. Looking forward to where this road will end again. I am not afraid of the future anymore, at least not at the moment. That’s a good feeling...

Whatever happens: There are no one-way-streets in life! There is not one decision that can ruin everything, there are always chances to make up for it! Just keep on believing!!!

24.4.13 23:30, kommentieren

let it go...

Seems like the tables turned again… We both took some time thinking, last week was fine because we spoke on the phone and somehow ended up with the conclusion that we both want to be together and it all comes down to my decision, whether I am willing to compromise about my future jobs and going abroad… And I thought I had already decided I wanted to place family higher than career and I was just waiting for that thought to stay until all that chaos has dissolved. I just didn’t want to decide anything out of that chaos, I didn’t want to choose this relationship out of the feeling that I can’t go without it.

Well, this time he said that he wants to stay close to his home. His friends, everything, that he has never experienced but being around them and doesn’t want to give it up. That he feels he needs his friends around, physically. I can understand that, although I think it’s just some stupid kind of uncertainty and that he has issues there... I mean he is scared of things that are not going to happen, it’s not like you lose everything you’ve got regarding friends when you move to some other city...

Well, we talked for a long time yesterday, basically because I wanted to ask him whether or not he would be willing to come with me if I found a job somewhere else – because as much as I want to put all my hopes into this, I believe it is utterly stupid to believe we can make it work if I have only about 100 km radius of where to search for jobs. It’s going to be difficult anyway, but within a certain area, it might turn out to be impossible, and then what? My best chances lie miles and miles away from his place...

And from everything he said – I mean he said he has to think it through and take time to decide, but still – it sounded like he was not willing to give it up. Telling me he was ready to give up everything to move to my place, how that would have been a sacrifice to him, just for me... I didn’t know he saw it like that, I didn’t realize he cared about it so much. But then, he didn’t go all the way through it, I mean, he didn’t move here to find a job, and that’s one of the points I think I know that basically he is decided already. And he has a job which seems to be pretty good and seems to offer some chances to really built up something there, he seems to be happy so far...

And along I come tearing up all those wounds again by asking how he thinks, how he feels about it... along I come and remind him of this situation we both can’t find a solution for. Why can’t I just leave the poor guy alone and let him deal with his live? I mean, I only see my own point even though I know it’s just as bad for him. Why can’t I just be happy about what we had and grateful for that and accept that this is as far as we go together and be happy about it? No, I have to be that stupid bitch to keep the matter up and keep of us from moving on. Because I don’t want to be alone, because I don’t want to ask myself whether it would have worked out, because I cannot imagine finding someone new, ever at the moment. For goodness sake, it’s probably normal! Because I just keep on thinking there must be a way, I so want to believe we can take on everything together. I said I accept his decision, well, looking at the situation now I think that was a lie – I don’t. Why can’t I just accept it and try to move on? It’ll be fine someday, somehow, it will be...

Damn it, all I want is to just see him and make it work out, somehow... Actually, I just want to see him, I don’t care if that’s going to hurt or make it even worse... I don’t want to be alone!

I don’t want to go through explaining that we separated to people. I don’t want to go through hearing how unfair it is of him to give me that choice, freedom or relationship, he cannot cope with in between. The hell, how is that unfair, it’s not like he is doing it on purpose, it’s not like he doesn’t care, it’s not that he feels way better about it than I do, so just shut up about him being unfair to me!

I am so scared of this weekend, hanging out with friends, camping on the mediaeval market we camped together three years ago... I was so looking forward to, and now the thought of going through this thing scares the shit out of me. We’ve been there together, it was wonderful and now he’s gone and I’ll do all the stuff together, with loads of friends who don’t even know what happened... I don’ know how I’ll get through this. I thought it was going to be great, maybe it will still.

 

Just let it go. Some wishes only hurt. After all, I think what is gaining on me so much is the choice, the possibility, knowing that it might be different and that I somehow have to make it work out... If I was to accept this is it I think I could somehow start to move on, somehow. I am just clinging to threads of hope here. I think I should just let it go... Leave him alone and let him sort is life out, and I’ll do the same after some while. I wish I could jump forward to the point everything’s okay again and we’re just good friends, for I am sure this is going to happen.

Why can’t I just let it go and be grateful for what I had? It’s more than you can ask for...

24.4.13 09:08, kommentieren

one step further

Okay, this is getting worse instead of better... it’s okay for hours as long as I am doing something, and at least I get some work done and I am able to kind of concentrate on my proposal stuff, but there is this one thought that always pops up in my mind: Fuck it, I don’t want to be alone!
I mean, we have spoken on the phone a few times, there shouldn’t be a huge opportunity for me to actually miss him, because not much has changed. But I do miss him., I mean, there was always this security that whatever happened, not physically but emotionally I had to only reach out and he’d be there and now there’s nothing… nothing at all, just one big black gaping hole where the pillar of my security used to be.

I hate to be alone, It’s driving me crazy, wondering whether this is where I’ll be going, wondering what I want to do. I mean, there’s two ways and both might be just fine or terribly, horribly wrong, how am I supposed to know? I cannot make a decision for my future self five years from now!
All I know is that I don’t want to be alone. I just realized I was going to a huge mediaeval market we used to go together alone, and the thought scared the shit out of me – I thought it was going to be great, now, imagining myself there alone, without him by my side, I dread it. I dread the feeling of memory and that this is not how it’s supposed to be.

I mean, probably this is the worst time of all to make a decision for me, because I’d do anything just to make the two of us work again. That’s the both hardest and most wonderful thing about our breakup: Nothing went wrong between the two of us, everything’s still okay. But then, I don’t have the knowledge that it wouldn’t have worked anyway. I will always think: It might have worked between the two of us, if only I had known what I wanted. It could just work, it could still just work. I mean, I am glad we did not have a fight and nothing got broken beyond repair, but how am I ever going to know whether this is the only possible solution or the biggest mistake in my entire life?

I can’t sleep anymore, I switch of the computer and start crying… I thought this was going to get better, but so far, it hasn’t it has been worse the more I think about it. Last night, I came to the conclusion that I don’t care what I do for a job as long as I can work with animals… What if that is really my only prerequisite? I mean, I love biology, I even love the reading and writing and all the tiresome stuff, but so what, who says I can’t find a compromise? I don’t need a fancy career to find something to fit my qualifications, do I? I don’t mind doing jobs that are not so sophisticated, as long as I have four legged companions around, somehow. I worked at an animal shelter for three weeks and loved it after school, I didn’t mind doing all the dishes or cleaning the enclosures, not even being barked at by those stupid Chihuahuas for hours doing all the unpleasant things school-internship guys usually get to do. Seriously, I said that back then and I still think it is true, if my grades at school had not been that well I would have become an animal caretaker and I would have been happy with it. Everyone thinks I work hard to achieve something in life, but that’s not true – I work hard because I understand that this is the way to do things, do it the best you can or let it be, no in-betweens. I am not pursuing this way because I want to climb to the top, I am here because this is the way life turned out for me, because this is the way that appeared at my feet and I decided to follow it for the road itself, not for where it leads! I don’t give a damn about the metaphorical mountain peak in the distance, I just want to follow the path I am on for a while longer because I love it, but not because of where it will lead me – maybe there’s another crossing at the end of it that leads down into some beautiful valley where I finally think I can settle down… where it is nicer and more comfortable than on the road that leads higher to the peak. Where I can find some kind of happiness, something different.

I could just have become an animal caretaker and I could have been happy with that. Isn’t that enough for me to know where my road should lead to? Was that memory, that epiphany, my decision already? Was that all I took to realize that if seeing the world and travelling and doing all those fancy things means I need to give up on love, I don’t want those anymore? I mean, if it was for only myself, give me an opportunity and I am gone for one or two or three years, doing something crazy… But it gets to a point when it’s not about me anymore. I don’t think this is all about me, even if it’s me who must make my mind up and get my head straight on my own with no one who can help me there… It gets to a point where it is also about my partner and my family – my maybe future unborn kids, if I decide I want to have kids after all…

You can just postpone everything to later, but at some point, later too is over… at some point, all your dreams have been too long ago. So what is mine, truly? Maybe it was decided yesterday evening already, while I was lying awake in bed, trying desperately to push these thoughts aside and get some sleep… if these thoughts stay for the next few days or weeks, does it mean that’s it? Maybe… Hopefully… 

 

9.4.2013

24.4.13 09:06, kommentieren

going round in circles

Well, that happens when I get time to think… Take the opportunity and go out while the sun shines, right, go for a walk with no one around and nothing to distract you, what kind of plan is that? Not a good one for me, anyway.

What really threw me off today was telling a friend that we split up and her replying that she thought we could take on anything together. Anything and everything. Didn’t I believe that, too? What happen to this determination, to our conviction? Is understanding you can’t have everything in life also admitting that we cannot take on everything together? I don’t know.

And then there’s this new thought – what if I didn’t get my priorities right in first place? I have only seen my job and career perspective until yesterday or today, but I suddenly started thinking that that’s not everything in life. It is important and it will always be an important part of my life, but is it really number one priority?

I really start thinking what I want and I am not sure, I don’t know at all. I mean, the thing is, it’s not about what I want now but what I want for myself in five or ten or fifteen years... What if I find myself in fifteen years with a brilliant career but all alone and regret that then? What if I end up like that, thinking “I could have had kids” like all the time? I really can’t tell what is going to be more important for me in a few years time, and everyone keeps on telling me I need to pursue my career and built up something on the foundations I laid, pursue my dreams...

But then, there is, no, there was, not a single version of my life I imagined without him by my side, not a single one! I was so sure it was going to work. And I so wanted to have kids with that guy, even though the thought also scares me like hell. And I think of the little kids of friends and I get to think I want that to – has this become another dream, another pillar of my future life? I think it has, but then when dreams collide, how do you decide? I mean, I knew it was going to be difficult to raise a child being a biologist, but I also thought it was going to work out, somehow...

What if I find myself in ten years regretting not having had kids? I cannot look into the future, I cannot see either way, and I keep thinking it through and through and I don’t know. I really don’t know what would be worse in ten years, or twenty, I am just beginning to think that maybe I am just making the biggest mistake in my life just letting him walk away like that. I know how he means it and I don’t want to make it any harder for him by clinging, but then maybe I should fight, somehow... And then I think about all the little habits he has that annoy me and I wonder if they’d have summed up and become a big pile of problems between us eventually – but I mean, if it comes crashing down, at least I know that there is no possible future for the two of us. I am glad this hasn’t happened, of course, but in some way it would be easier.

Now I ponder two possible futures, the one with me being successful and the one with me having a family – I mean, maybe they don’t exclude each other anyway, but if they do. Damn it, what should I do? What do you do when dreams collide? I’m just horribly scared that I am about to take a way that means facing a point of no return... If this is the decision, do I really want to choose a career over kids? What the hell... what if this is not the sensible and grown up solution it seems but the worst mistake I have ever made?
Of course people tell you “you’ll find someone else”, and of course I tell them “I don’t want anyone else, ever again” at the moment, but I cannot look into the future...I mean, also trying to make it undone and try it over again might be the worst mistake I could possibly make now, but you never know that... I don’t know what is going to happen, I don’t know what I will want in a few years... one out of two ways which both are wrong, but which one is going to be worse? Which loss, or potential loss, will be easier to take?

If you can’t keep both, do you cut of your hand or your foot? Bad example, that decision would be a lot easier, at least for me...

God, what is going on, what’s wrong with me, dam it? I mean, I went so far in my mind as to think how much easier everything would be if I was pregnant accidently. I mean, for my studies it would be devastating, but then the decision would have been made, and we would somehow have to deal with it and get along, and it wouldn’t be our decision – our decision. I wouldn’t have to worry about what ifs because the road would be clear. Mine is completely lost in the haze... Of course, I know that it would be about the worst motivation for a child and not the situation and condition in which I would want my child to be born into – I wouldn’t want to blame the course on my future on him or her for the rest of my life if anything went wrong. That’s just some fancy I get when I get desperate and try to find a way out of this crooked situation – but I guess there is none.

Screw it, I should have called him this afternoon and talked to him about that stuff. I mean, on the one hand, I don’t want to bother him and make it worse for him, but then on the other hand maybe he could have come up with something useful. I mean, maybe he knows me better than I do myself, wouldn’t even be difficult at the moment. Maybe he’d been able to build me up again, he’s brilliant at that...

But he’s going out with friends tonight, so I’ll need to hang on until at least tomorrow afternoon. I could have called someone else, of course, but then it’s Saturday evening. I guess my guys have better things to do than listen to me cry on the phone, at least on Saturday evenings... No need to bother, most people would probably ask me if I lost my mind anyway. I didn’t manage to bring up my issues with my family, at least. I think my mum would seriously consider taking me to a mental home if I told her I wanted to place reproduction before resource acquisition... but then she’s pretty straight forward when it comes to work life, and as dear as my family is to me, I don’t think anyone of them understands my dilemma and the issues I have with the situation. I mean it’s not like any of their concepts for their future ever came crashing down at their feet, as far as I can tell...

Okay, going in circles, stuck in “what ifs” and black and white worse case scenarios, it’s not going to help me, not a bit. I think it through and through and I can’t find any answers. I think I haven’t been scared of the future like that since High School when I became aware that my childhood and lifelong dream was very fine, but I wasn’t the right person for it. It’s kind of the same thing now: My dreams are okay, so was my relationship. It’s just I don’t seem to fit in as nicely as I should. I seriously get to think it’s something wrong with me, that I just fail completely at being the person I should be to make things work, to unite all different aspects of what I think is my dream of the future... I’m just not that girl...

I don’t know. All I know is that today started okay and got worse as the day progressed, and that I need to keep my mind occupied somehow, otherwise I start thinking and that’s probably pretty unhealthy – I mean, you read what it led to this afternoon, any more need of evidence?

Oh, well, maybe I’ll just start watching a new TV show or keep on playing until I just fall asleep on the keys... anything as long as I don’t have time to think...

 

6.4.2013, 11.30 p.m.

6.4.13 23:35, kommentieren

what now?

It’s been more than a week since my boyfriend and I broke up, and no what? I still think it’s the best thing for both of us in general, I guess I am beginning to understand what it means. We have spoken on the phone  twice and funnily enough, I felt way better afterwards than before – maybe that shouldn’t be the case, I don’t know. I should really try to get some distance, to really understand that we are separated now, that it needs to feel different. At the moment, I don’t feel different from before at all, except for that I sometimes start crying for no particular reason.

Okay, I cried for three days strait with no particular reason, always telling myself that actually everything was fine, than we spoke on the phone, and it’s been getting better ever since. I mean, there are good days and bad ones, yesterday was a good one, today’s kind of mixed, I just can’t bring myself up to concentrate on my proposal and really work, I don’t know. Sneaking into the toilet to cry for five minutes and then coming out joking and laughing with my colleagues, it’s weird. There are moments when I see all the opportunities I have now, I can go to a foreign country for postdoc later whenever I like, England or Sweden or New Zealand, I can – and should definitely – have my hair cut short, I don’t have to worry about meeting with any guys EVER! I mean, there’s more negative sides to being alone than positive, but I try to see the bright sides and ignore the rest and let the thoughts of the times when everything will be fine carry me through the days, somehow – if you hold on to a chorus it will get you through the night!

And then there are these moments when all I want is to just throw everything away and give up all my chances just to be with him again, somehow, just to be able to stay together, and then I remember he wouldn’t let me do this and I am grateful on one hand because I know I’d probably terribly regret it and devastated, desperate on the other. I don’t know what to do. I have no idea what to do, I don’t think there’s anything, and this feeling of helplessness, that  whatever you don’t won’t be enough to make us work again is horrible…. There are dreams that cannot be and there are storm we cannot weather. I dreamed a dream, yeah, right… I dreamed that love would never die, but I woke up finding that I can’t have both things in life, so what?
I don’t know. I guess I still don’t know what it really means and how to move on from here. Emotionally I am even kind of okay most of the time, although I wonder why that is and if I should not feel way worse than I do – well, maybe I have just getting good at distracting myself, he said he thinks a lot, I hardly do, I try not to because it’s not too healthy for me I guess – but physically I really feel that I am working on it, I feel sick almost all the time – although eating works again, which is good – dizzy, tired. I have episodes when I get the impression I can’t breathe… okay, that’s not precisely, it, I get the feeling that even though I am breathing fine I am out of air, like it didn’t reach my lungs but got lost somewhere on the way…

Most pressing, although it sounds ridiculous, is that I need to come up with a word for him. Whatever I call him now speaking about him, I can’t say ex-boyfriend, the word itself hurts to much, and honestly, he is something different from that, more… he is my past boyfriend and my future best friend and still probably the most important person in my life, although it’s probably not very healthy to think that way. But I also decided to keep on wearing the ring we bought together until I am ready to let it go. I thought I had lost it on the ride home and the thought drove me crazy, I felt it around my finger even if I was not wearing it as if a part of me was actually missing, a constant reminder of what lies broken t my feet. So rather keep it on until I can really let it go, I guess it’s okay for that to take a while.

Gosh, what do I do? Go on, start to work hard again, hopefully soon, focus on the good things in life and try to do what is good for me I guess. Just started, having a friend order tickets for a Meat Loaf concert in May! Hell yeah, for the good of one HELL OF A NIGHT! So we get to go to a show together after all, even though we didn’t plan it, as we both discovered that it’s the final goodbye tour and therefore our last chance… Hold on to those things and the prospect of the future, it’s going to be fine.

Don’t think about the way things might have been – this is here, this is now, shine when it’s hardest, go on, somehow, there’s a lot of good going to come from it! Hold on to that thoughts, we’ll make it. I will, and he will too, for sure. Somehow, both of us are going to be fine. It’s okay if it takes a little until then. Anyway, it’s gets better day by day, so…

 

Addendum: I guess I found the right way to put it: his ideas of the future just don’t fit with my reality – I cannot live up to the expectations, in a way…

 

And now I am circling around the thought what is really important in life and what I will think looking back in ten or twenty years from now. I mean, I can’t tell, I really can’t, all I know is that if I got hit by a truck today or tomorrow I’d regret not having been with him until the end for the rest of my life – if I had one or two or even ten days left and knew it, I’d give away everything and spend the time with him, no question… but then if someone told me I have two years or something of that sort, I’d never tell him, leave it the way it is, think “fuck you” and try to pull through with my PhD thesis – I’d definitely want to finish that… but then, afterwards? I don’t know, it’s futile to think about it because it’s not like I am going to change anything or know what I will feel or regret when the time comes… I just wonder whether or not I got my priorities right here…

 

5.4.2013, ~ 1 p.m.

6.4.13 23:33, kommentieren

22.3.2013

Question: Jot down a news story from today

Financial crisis is up again, the EU is desperately trying to save Cyprus, which is apparently almost bankrupt because of their weird financial system that just didn’t work and their banks that are crashing. It’s a sad story, and a confusing one, with the Cyprian government agreeing to a plan to use their citizens’ money to gather enough to be allowed to receive a rescue package from the EU, but then refusing the plan in Parliament and changing everything all over again, I think the situation and the current rescue plan change by the minute, and the people are of course angry and desperate – I mean, it’s a harsh and actually outraging thing that the state wants to use money that citizens saved over years to rescue the banks that have been failing and miss-calculating for years. But then, it’s also harsh that they develop such a great anger towards the European Union and especially Germany because it’s not our fault their banks are getting corrupt, it’s not our fault their government agreed on the rescue plan in first place, it’s the result of misconduct that has been going on for years... Oh well, I don’t know, I have no clue about economy, but I am really worried about where this entire crisis thingy will lead us in the end... Let’s see what will be here next year, maybe financial crisis all over again? Hopefully not...

29.3.13 09:45, kommentieren

21.3.2013

Question: The first thing you ate today was ___?

 Sweets... sorry to admit it, but I had just a cup of coffee for breakfast and started working, so I had some gelly beans and nuts and raisins to accompany me and keep my blood sugar high to support my supposedly working brain. I know it’s not the best or most healthy thing to do, but I can’t eat a lot in the mornings, so that’s what it leads to...

29.3.13 09:45, kommentieren

20.3.2013

Question: What was the last book you read?

I am currently reading the “Adventures of Sherlock Holmes”, a compendium of the famous detective stories, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, wonderful! I am not always in the mood, but I really like the stories, and I love discovering the patterns and comments and ideas they used for the BBC-series (I love that one, it’s so much fun!!!). The last book I finished was one by a German medical doctor who somewhere on the road decided to become an author and comedian and writes books about all kinds of things, how medical knowledge and society and human thoughts and behaviour and everything are connected. It translate something like:” Where does love go once it has left the stomach” and it’s really about human emotion, bonds, behaviour in the light of evolution and how it all makes sense, written in a very funny, entertaining way, full of personal examples and thoughtful similes – it’s worth reading, I can recommend it to everyone reading this :-). I mean, I have rarely laughed as much learning something about human nature and neuroscience!

29.3.13 09:44, kommentieren

19.3.2013

Question: Describe your work ethic.

Love it or leave it – I do what I do, 100%, and if I don’t I leave it. I put my heart into the things I do, and if I have to do things I don’t like I still do my best, to do it right and meet the expectations. I try to work hard, and a lot, and to do the best I can. I don’t think there’s a lot more to it...

29.3.13 09:44, kommentieren